Fantasy Court

Held: A shart requires both a good-faith expectation of a fart and a discharge small enough to stay where it landed. A pancake-sized liquid discharge that reaches the ankle is pooping one’s pants, whatever the wearer expected.

Held: In a league that drafts from memory, priority for a waiver claim on a forgotten star is determined by a memory contest, not by reverse standings or an auction. The members shall write down as many current Baltimore Ravens as they can in five minutes, and the longest list claims Derrick Henry.

Held: A league that has expanded its playoff from two teams to four to twelve should not expand it to twenty-four, because a postseason that admits nearly every team replaces the regular season rather than resolving it. The petition, drafted by the Chief Justice, is dismissed as a sham and the question answered in Fan Court.

Held: A league’s silence in response to a commissioner’s text proposing to halve a codified punishment is not consent to amend the rule. The full ten points come off, and the LaCroix shotgunner loses his matchup.

Held: A trade in which real-world goods pass as consideration for fantasy players is bribery, not a trade, and a commissioner must reject it even in a league with no money on the line. The trade is voided, but the uncle stays.

Held: A franchise’s relocation opens a window in which its fans may renounce their allegiance and declare free agency, and a fan who leaves through that window retains a right of return. The window has been open since 2017, and petitioner may use it now.

Held: A manager who formally appoints his dog head coach has transferred the zero-point shotgun obligation to the dog. Because a dog cannot drink beer, the canine equivalent is taken under advisement pending supplemental briefing.

Held: A platform’s auto-sub feature is consistent with the essential character of fantasy football so long as the manager himself designates the substitute in advance, and a Commissioner may not withhold it on the ground that his league mates are insufficiently dedicated.

Held: A loser punishment two years overdue is enforced by specific performance and weekly point deductions, not by another extension. A member readmitted on his own promise to complete it may be expelled if he does not.

Held: A Commissioner who solicits the league’s views through a channel he knows no one reads has not given notice, and he may not keep a player he claimed from a ten-year-old on the strength of the silence he engineered. Chris Olave returns to the child.